Monday, April 4, 2016

Fortress of Solitude

Fortress of Solitude is a place of solace in which Superman occasionally used to isolate himself from the outside world. I, myself, has been building my own Fortress of Solitude for years in order to protect me from every nonsense and bullshit spouted from the others.

It's been months I've been isolating myself. Or is it years? I left my friends and those who care for me. I thought it would've been best for me to figure out my own shit without them but I was wrong. This is the wrongest I've ever been in my life.

It started out this year. 2016 has been a shitty year for. Can't wait for it to end. The 1st of January left a deep scar marked so black with a foul stench. Being rejected is not that painful at all. But to know and understand the true reason after months of hoping for the best to come, it left a shitty taste on my tongue. I did my best to pleasure the rest, to be an angel to some although others perceive me as the devil. Or am I truly a reincarnation of the devil? Only to bring despair and agony to others, to those I love the most.

And then came shame after the rejection. A feeling of abomination that made me feel so scare to face the world, to face my friends. The closest I have been with were some. Easy to count enough with my fingers. I left them, hoping that they will search me back. Look around them, where the hell I have gone. I crave for some of their attentions. Like what Zul got when he was alive. Gone AWOL for a day and people come searching for him in an instance. I guess my existence doesn't really bring that much of an impact like he did. I think it is best for me to change my shoes with him. Be the one who is deep buried underneath the ground, befriending dirt and worms. And let him truly enjoy life because he deserves it. He deserves to be happy alongside his friends and make them happy for years to come. I wish I could've given such a huge impact to people around me. I did my best to fill in the gap he left but I guess people really didn't see that. I'm a failure. 

Came a person who would've given her all to me. The one who promised to stay loyal and faithful for eternity. But a destructive man like me could take no such commitment. I guess I am no man, I'm a shitty being who is deemed to be repellant to everyone that has ever care for me. I shove people away, hoping for them to come back stronger. But little did I know that as I push them away, they've gone afar and they'll never coming back. Please come back. All of you. It's too dark and lonely at night. I'm talking by myself days and nights, hoping that someone would talk back to me. Please come back. I promise I won't shut myself away again. I need somebody to talk with, to share all these agonizing pains away. This silence is killing me deep inside. 

I guess I am but a shadow drowned in the dark. Unseen and unheard. 

This is my Fortress of Solitude. And it's crumbling down to earth, burying me inside. Alone.